Lost Cause
by babyluw
Summary: Wrote this ages ago over at LJ... hm. Heavy angst, as usually with me. Light bondage, drugs and things like that. ...so not the story I think off when I read a sum like that.


There's no ponny's or sparkles in this story. No, ma'am, this could be seen as pretty heavy.

Lost Cause.

_Please don't leave me._

How did he progress from the hero, the white knight in armor, to this on the edge - if not already over - of dissolving? He used to be so pure. He used to be so strong. He used to be the shining light of hope in the darkness; the one that turned the table. He used to be one of the few that you could trust to do the right thing. He used to be- He used to be so much.

But he lost. No, not the war, but his goal: the girl. He had only lost someone once before, and that made his tears dry, that made his smile so rare. And that left him in the state that I first met him in, the state I loved him in. It's 'cause of that he threw his life into danger for someone who he'd only known for a few months.

I thought it was sheer determination-strong beliefs of rights and wrongs. When I first started to know him, I didn't know he did it 'cause he's so afraid of losing people, afraid of that the ones in his surrounding would change-disappear. Afraid to do wrong, afraid to be a burden to anyone. Afraid to seem weak. Terrified to be blamed; left alone.

Ichigo lost it in her scream for help, her scream of pure fright. He lost it to the hollow inside him and he went berserk until he heard that she was okay. Her scream for him to stop. The voice of a nakama seems to be the only thing that can cut through the beast that takes him over; the voice of a nakama at its fullest, in its final stage, when the only thing in the tone is the knowledge of what's right and not even a speck of doubt can be found.

I don't know how it all went down, I wasn't there. No one except Ichigo knows exactly what happened, and he won't speak about it.

Too late, I was too late to help him, too late to save her. Her limb body in his arms; it was like no one dared to go close. We-even the captains that had come to support us- we were standing in the circle around him. Just standing there, silent, breathing, looking at the loss. Looking at Orihime who lay lifeless on the ground. Looking at Ichigo who held her in his arms. Her eyes were closed. His were not.

They were glued to mine.

I had moved through some of the crowd, stopped when I saw what had caused it.

His eyes stared into mine, like the rest of the world didn't matter. Like he was asking me 'why?' A million questions but they all started with _'Why?'_

I watched his eyes as the light slipped out of them, and I hesitated. I waited until there were just that final spark left until I pushed myself pass the person who stood in front of me, took two big steps forward, fell to my knees, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He was still holding her but he turned his head and I could feel his breath against my skin as he pressed into my neck.

_Thank you._

It was when I heard those words that the walls were pulled down for this boy. And they never rose again. It was when I heard those words that I knew that if he asked me to jump of a bridge, I would. Without a second thought.

He blames himself, who couldn't have seen that one coming? But I think I'm the only one who knows how he hurts. I'm the only one who knows what he does to make himself feel anything again. I've heard of hurting yourself, apparently there are a lot of people who do it. Beating themselves up, punishing, cutting. But I've never heard anyone who does what Ichigo does.

Probably 'cause he was so used to the pain, it was the only thing that he had been exposed to under the last years; he didn't really feel it anymore.

He made himself addicted to pleasure.

Anything that could create a contrast, break through the shell.

And when he begs me, how could I ever say no?

_Please Renji, make me feel good._

In the beginning, god how I loved the beginning, when my embrace was all it took. When I kissed him and he melted in my arms. When we fell asleep holding hands and nothing more.

Maybe I should stop this. Not like I really could, he's stronger than me, he'll just get rid of me and then find someone else to satisfy him. And even if I hate what this has become, just the look on his face when he comes could be enough to get me off ten times over.

From the pipes in my roof chains have been feasted, ending in handcuffs that hold his arms up, not so that he hangs in them, just so that they hold him up if he were to loose consciousness. I freaked out the first time that happened, swore and cursed and told myself I would stop this craziness right away, never again. Then he came to, and he smiled, for real, and giggled. He looked so beautiful and cute and...Innocent.

_I love you Renji._

I knew that I would never be able to stop.

The state he gets into, the state that he's in right now is way beyond. Relying on the cuffs to hold him up as his head hangs down so that I'm not able to see his face, but I know that he's still conscious. A drop of drool falls on my stomach from the lips that I know are red, glossy and tender.

I thrust up into him again and again, pounding into his shaking body. Watching as my cock slides in and out of his slick hole, pressing come out of the way. Watching as it drips out of him as I pull out completely, just to push myself back into him a second later. Those pills keeping me hard, how many times have I cum already? I'm not allowed to go soft, to stop, before he's satisfied.

His legs pull up, quivering as they press against me, his insides pulsing. And I know that there he tripped over another line. For a few minutes there's actual acknowledgement from him: whining moans, a gasping of my name. And I'm still moving.

After a while his legs fall down again and his still throbbing erection comes into my view, the black piece of rubber that's wrapped around the hilt is stretched to its max, the plug stopping him from releasing, stopping Ichigo's semen from hitting my chest, and the blood from going back into his body. My hand moves slowly up his thigh, his hot skin is almost burning my fingers.

Wrapping my hand ever so gently around his beating cock, he screams, loud, and I pull my hand away startled. He raise his head, and for the first time in at least thirty minutes I can see his face, flushed cheeks, parted palpitating lips, and damp hair that's keen on sticking to his forehead. His eyes seem to be unable to focus as they stare down on me, nearly nothing else but big black pupils, tears in the corners.

And his lips start to dart, his shaky breath filling the room as my name slips out so lightly over and over again. He's on his way to losing it, I know it. My fingers move back to his throbbing dick, trying to be as gentle as possible with taking the ring off. Still, it's not enough to stop him from screaming, from biting his lip until blood drops down on me.

I speed up my movements, feeling exhaustion creeping in as I know that it'll soon be over. It doesn't take long for me to make him cum, pounding into his prostate, palming his balls. He slums completely, the handcuffs the only thing that's holding him up above me.

Sperm hits my stomach and chest and he throbs around me, like a calm heartbeat he pulse around my cock. Lips forming the words that make my breath hitch and my whole being clasp and clutch. With cum still emitting out of him he slips into unconsciousness as I come one last time, buried deep inside him the semen filling him over, making it leek out, sprouting and dripping down everywhere as I pull out of him.

I calm myself down for a minute before I sit up, wrapping my arms around him, reaching for the keys and bringing him down. Pulling the sheet off the bed I dry us off, hating myself and everything that just took place but loving the calm face he wears. It's just in these moments that there's not even a trace of pain in him and I pull him flushed against me before I too drift off, letting exhaustion take me over. The only words I said that day ringing in my head.

I know that what we're doing is slowly breaking us both apart, and I know that we won't stop no matter what.

_______________I'll never leave you, Ichigo._

End.____________

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